This is a follow up from Life Update: I ‘Dropped Out’ Of University, so I would recommend reading that post first.
I never wanted my blog to become a negative place, and so far I don’t think it has. When I wrote about leaving university I felt uplifted and more positive about everything that was going on. I’m writing this post to follow up on one particular point I brought up in that post. When I was deciding whether to leave university or to stay, I found it difficult to find posts online about what people who had left were feeling. I found a lot of success stories, and people finding their way, but I didn’t really find any posts about the in between stage. The part where everything is unknown, finances become an issue, and figuring out what you want to do with your life is harder than ever before. So here I am, writing in that moment.
A few days ago I sent my friend Lydia a voice recording (because I was too lazy to type it out and it was 1am) about how I felt. I will never share that recording with anyone else (simply because my voice is soooooo annoying and it’s no longer relevant), in fact I’m about to delete it. By the end of the recording my opinion changes drastically and I realise I’d let myself get into this mental rut where I was tired of being so lost. Creative people, no matter how successful, will find themselves in this state at least once in their life. Your ideas and imagination seem to have vanished into thin air and you’re inspiration with them. For some, this lasts a while. For me, I’ve been lost for a little period now, but this was probably the worst I’d felt about everything. And it wasn’t even that bad! I realised that I’d let my lack of knowing, something I used to thrive on, drag me down. I’d let my guilt of not being able to pay my share of rent grow. I’d let myself drift away from who I want to be. Within an hour of these realisations, I formed stronger mentalities about the person I want to be and the adventure I am on. Basically, I’d let myself fall into a state of self-pity and that feeling is a no thank you from me. In conclusion, I told myself to get my shit together.
I decided that if I was going to write about this lost feeling, I was not going to make it sound like a bad thing. It really isn’t bad at all! So what if I don’t have my whole life worked out? I used to love the not knowing, and I can safely say I’m getting back to that version of me. I’m eighteen years old, I have so much ahead of me. I don’t need a life plan. I have goals and dreams, that I am going to pursue the hell out of. Maybe I’ll go into interior design, or photography, or publishing, or maybe something completely different. I’ll keep working hard and see where it takes me. I’ve been applying to as many jobs as I can dependent on the practicalities, such as travel, and the requirements, such as experience and qualifications. The aim was to get myself a decent income to pay my way and to pay for anything to expand my skills. To get me back on my feet you could say. I’m yet to find full-time work, but things will work out. Up until recently I was applying to anything and everything I could. That was until I saw a particular job in my local newspaper last week. A job that had my attention and excitement immediately. I am yet to hear back about this job, but I sincerely hope I get it. It’s a really good opportunity and is everything I need/would like right now. This is an example of things looking up and working out. If you’re struggling with something right now, don’t be afraid to ask for help, and also don’t hide away from opportunities. Keep working hard and keep an open-mind, things will get better!
My happy place is travelling. When I’m in a car or on a train I find the journey incredibly soothing. If I’m walking along the coast, or trekking through the forest, I feel at peace. There aren’t many (if any) beaches or forests near me, but I am using that to fuel my motivation. I plan on learning to drive so I can get to these places, earn money so I can take those train journeys, save so I can move to a place closer to the beach. I’ve also found a new love for city life. Finding crowds rather uncomfortable (I like my personal space alright) I never expected to go as far as saying I love the city. But these days I do. I love the architecture and the abundance of people all trying to get somewhere. I love bumping into strangers and having the odd conversation. This is part of being lost. If you embrace your lost feeling, if you let yourself get there, the world around you seems so much more exciting. There’s more to explore, when you go outdoors.
In my new year’s resolutions post I, amongst other things, stated how I wanted to find my passions/dreams. In reality, I’ve known them all along. There’s many things I’d love to achieve in my life, so that’s what I’m going to focus my time on doing. Rather then figuring out the how, and spending so much time researching online, I’m going to just start doing. If I can make it work somehow, I will.
If you’ve found yourself in a rut, perhaps you’re having a creative block, or maybe you’re just hating where you are right now, then I hope you take something from this post. It’s okay to feel lost, embrace it, own it, love it. That lost feeling will give you a heck of a lot more freedom than being found ever could. Work on your sleeping pattern, make sure you’re getting plenty of sleep. It will help, trust me! Keep hydrated, and eat healthier. You’ll feel more energetic and find a can-do attitude beginning to form. Give that attitude wings. No matter where you are right now, things can get better. Take a look around you, take a proper look, remember all that you have and all that you are. Stop trying to figure out where you want to go, and focus that energy on being present here and now. Put all your energy into living today, not tomorrow.
Unfortunately I do not know where the following quotes are from, but these are the thoughts I leave you with;